Post by GoldenKitten on Jun 18, 2009 3:07:06 GMT -4
Alright before I even begin on the profile I have been alerted to the fact that you sent PM's to numerous members (got one myself) practically demanding a review. First off I am the only person on the site who reviews profiles (with Zhiel stepping in on rare occasions), but more importantly was the impatience these messages suggested. Bleached Souls is a slow moving, long-term RP, it is not somewhere that posts are made on a daily basis much less hourly like some sites and as such if you do not have the patience to wait for these posts then this RP is certainly not for you. Beyond that it is not just general courtesy to give the admins of a site ample time to review a profile before notifying them it is an actual rule here on BS. We are for the most part graduating high schoolers or in several other cases university students or active workers, thus we post in our free time, not every single occasion somebody makes a post on the site and so we ask that you respect that our own lives are more important than our work here and give us a realistic amount of time before jumping on us. I am sorry if this seems like a bad way to begin a review but you yourself chose an equally poor way to introduce yourself to the administration.
Moving on to the real reason we are here though the profile is quite substandard, especially for the strength you were aiming for. First off before I critic individual portions I should note that it is a rule that is actually highlighted and posted out there as its own topic so that you wouldn't miss it that Rogues cannot begin with Bankai or the other species equivalent (in this case that means a vizard control level 2 is also out of the question). This is to avoid everyone joining as an individual character separate any guiding forces so we don't have a mob of super-gods duking it out free-for-all style, so if you keep him a rogue these things definitely have to go.
Even assuming that you could begin with those skills the profile would never be capable of getting them, this would honestly be difficult to pass as a low level human, much less a bankai worthy vizard.
Appearance is two paragraphs at minimum one devoted to physical appearance and the other to clothing, Personality is the most important and three paragraphs minimum for acceptance, finally for a bankai worthy profile eight paragraphs for a history would be required, all these things would require FULL paragraphs (5 sentences per paragraph). Keep in mind length isn't the only factor, quality is also important and I unfortunately do not believe you have the writing skill to match this. Of course if you removed the bankai and reverted the vizard control to 0 or perhaps 1 at max the reviewing process would be less painful. Also according to your history he is not a rogue at all if he is a member of the Masked Syndicate.
As for the abilities none of them are nearly detailed enough. Beyond the need for detailed explanations of how abilities work you would need to include reiatsu consumption limits and power ranking based on what a direct hit to someone of equal strength would cause damage wise. Of course thats ignoring that your shikai and bankai are obvious Ichigo rip-offs which just won't fly here. While we don't mind if the release strengthens the user a tad (it does everyone) we would strongly prefer that the zanpaktou has custom abilities instead of just turning them into the Hulk. Likewise the mask would need more description and I need to point out that only someone who has lost control to their inner hollow is covered in hollow “skin” and would have appendages like a tail, if he has control over his inner hollow then he only has a mask.
Equally the sample RP is not good enough for a bankai level character. Some members here on BS write 5-10 page posts and rarely post less than 2 pages (thats MS word pages) and as such anyone with measurable power has to meet these standards. For an RP sample like that to be acceptable you would need to cut out just about every power you have.
So there you have it, everything I see on my first pass through. This is not to be overly cruel, it is to be realistic, everyone has to meet our standards to be accepted if they want a high level character or accept that they need to take a lower position if they are incapable of that. If you feel like revising this profile for either case just go ahead and let me know by posting in the profile when you are done. Good luck.
Moving on to the real reason we are here though the profile is quite substandard, especially for the strength you were aiming for. First off before I critic individual portions I should note that it is a rule that is actually highlighted and posted out there as its own topic so that you wouldn't miss it that Rogues cannot begin with Bankai or the other species equivalent (in this case that means a vizard control level 2 is also out of the question). This is to avoid everyone joining as an individual character separate any guiding forces so we don't have a mob of super-gods duking it out free-for-all style, so if you keep him a rogue these things definitely have to go.
Even assuming that you could begin with those skills the profile would never be capable of getting them, this would honestly be difficult to pass as a low level human, much less a bankai worthy vizard.
Appearance is two paragraphs at minimum one devoted to physical appearance and the other to clothing, Personality is the most important and three paragraphs minimum for acceptance, finally for a bankai worthy profile eight paragraphs for a history would be required, all these things would require FULL paragraphs (5 sentences per paragraph). Keep in mind length isn't the only factor, quality is also important and I unfortunately do not believe you have the writing skill to match this. Of course if you removed the bankai and reverted the vizard control to 0 or perhaps 1 at max the reviewing process would be less painful. Also according to your history he is not a rogue at all if he is a member of the Masked Syndicate.
As for the abilities none of them are nearly detailed enough. Beyond the need for detailed explanations of how abilities work you would need to include reiatsu consumption limits and power ranking based on what a direct hit to someone of equal strength would cause damage wise. Of course thats ignoring that your shikai and bankai are obvious Ichigo rip-offs which just won't fly here. While we don't mind if the release strengthens the user a tad (it does everyone) we would strongly prefer that the zanpaktou has custom abilities instead of just turning them into the Hulk. Likewise the mask would need more description and I need to point out that only someone who has lost control to their inner hollow is covered in hollow “skin” and would have appendages like a tail, if he has control over his inner hollow then he only has a mask.
Equally the sample RP is not good enough for a bankai level character. Some members here on BS write 5-10 page posts and rarely post less than 2 pages (thats MS word pages) and as such anyone with measurable power has to meet these standards. For an RP sample like that to be acceptable you would need to cut out just about every power you have.
So there you have it, everything I see on my first pass through. This is not to be overly cruel, it is to be realistic, everyone has to meet our standards to be accepted if they want a high level character or accept that they need to take a lower position if they are incapable of that. If you feel like revising this profile for either case just go ahead and let me know by posting in the profile when you are done. Good luck.