Post by Zhiel on Sept 2, 2009 19:25:52 GMT -4
Ok... Wow... Yeah... I thought the appearance and personality parts were fairly well-written, but to be completely blunt with you, the history, especially the later parts are horrible.
I'm afraid with the status of the profile currently it does not fit the criteria for second council, at most I'd say you might get the fourth council position and that is assuming you fix it up. So here we go...
First off, I'd like you to spell-check it all, and then try grammar checking it as well, because some sections are prety badly written, and as a council member you will be held to a very high standard.
Secondly, about the history. The way you wrote it is very odd, it starts off in feudal age Japan, and then right after he goes to Soul Society everything is suddenly current age. There is a major hole in all of that, and I'd prefer if you worked that into his years as a shinigami. Atleast making his progress to Vice-Captain a fairly long and grueling one, maybe add how he was struggling with kido in the academy.
You should also elaborate a little more on his actual actions and life as a shinigami, even though 11th divisions primary role is in large scale or special conflicts, all divisions send people to the real world from time to time. Because you really don't get to know anything other than that he was being mocked by his captain. In particular, you should describe his time as a vice-captain, and probably increase on his years as one. Something which to me stands out as a sore-thumb is you never even mentioning him achieving bankai, you should add that as a part to his vice-captain life, preferably as detailed as possible as it is a critical event in his life.
Then there is him awaking his inner hollow. You really need to come up with a way that makes sense for him to gain one, for simple concentration doesn't cut it, you could for example have the vizards he met put him through a special trial, which ends with his inner hollow awakening. After that, you really need to elaborate on the suppressing of it as well, and I highly doubt a inner hollow would just submit to someone the way you did, but to each their own.
However you seem to assume that by just suppressing his inner hollow he suddenly jumped to captain level. The mask is not that strong, in particular not in phase 1. Phase 1 means you can just barely use the mask without losing yourself to the hollow, but you could add how he remained with the vizard or went off on his own to train and become stronger, which is another way to fix the odd time-gaps. But doing so would need you to re-write his visit back to Soul Society, though it's prety short so I don't see it as being too big of a deal.
Then finally, his joining the vizard. Ok with being invited to join the Masked Syndicate, but the whole being asked to lead them seems a little over the top. Either way, even if I allowed you to take the second council position, there is no way he would have been able to blow the head off the current second council without even any effort, you're basically suggesting he was commander general level at that point, something which I cannot allow. Not to mention that the Masked Syndicate is not the Arrancar, killing one of their own would not get you awarded a position, it would get you killed. They are not an evil organization plotting world domination or destruction, they are a neutral faction, each with their own agenda, but most if not all of the council are friends to some degree.
I think that would be it, and yes I realize that is a lot, but even the lowliest of council positions are some of the strongest character types you can start off as, thus the requirements are harsh.
I'm afraid with the status of the profile currently it does not fit the criteria for second council, at most I'd say you might get the fourth council position and that is assuming you fix it up. So here we go...
First off, I'd like you to spell-check it all, and then try grammar checking it as well, because some sections are prety badly written, and as a council member you will be held to a very high standard.
Secondly, about the history. The way you wrote it is very odd, it starts off in feudal age Japan, and then right after he goes to Soul Society everything is suddenly current age. There is a major hole in all of that, and I'd prefer if you worked that into his years as a shinigami. Atleast making his progress to Vice-Captain a fairly long and grueling one, maybe add how he was struggling with kido in the academy.
You should also elaborate a little more on his actual actions and life as a shinigami, even though 11th divisions primary role is in large scale or special conflicts, all divisions send people to the real world from time to time. Because you really don't get to know anything other than that he was being mocked by his captain. In particular, you should describe his time as a vice-captain, and probably increase on his years as one. Something which to me stands out as a sore-thumb is you never even mentioning him achieving bankai, you should add that as a part to his vice-captain life, preferably as detailed as possible as it is a critical event in his life.
Then there is him awaking his inner hollow. You really need to come up with a way that makes sense for him to gain one, for simple concentration doesn't cut it, you could for example have the vizards he met put him through a special trial, which ends with his inner hollow awakening. After that, you really need to elaborate on the suppressing of it as well, and I highly doubt a inner hollow would just submit to someone the way you did, but to each their own.
However you seem to assume that by just suppressing his inner hollow he suddenly jumped to captain level. The mask is not that strong, in particular not in phase 1. Phase 1 means you can just barely use the mask without losing yourself to the hollow, but you could add how he remained with the vizard or went off on his own to train and become stronger, which is another way to fix the odd time-gaps. But doing so would need you to re-write his visit back to Soul Society, though it's prety short so I don't see it as being too big of a deal.
Then finally, his joining the vizard. Ok with being invited to join the Masked Syndicate, but the whole being asked to lead them seems a little over the top. Either way, even if I allowed you to take the second council position, there is no way he would have been able to blow the head off the current second council without even any effort, you're basically suggesting he was commander general level at that point, something which I cannot allow. Not to mention that the Masked Syndicate is not the Arrancar, killing one of their own would not get you awarded a position, it would get you killed. They are not an evil organization plotting world domination or destruction, they are a neutral faction, each with their own agenda, but most if not all of the council are friends to some degree.
I think that would be it, and yes I realize that is a lot, but even the lowliest of council positions are some of the strongest character types you can start off as, thus the requirements are harsh.
