A past and future secret (for arashi)

[Harmony]

Masaru walked down the long hallway of Division Seven, both hands thrust deep into his pockets. It was a walk he had made on countless occasions, but today the trek to Arashi's office seemed longer, more taxing. His carriage was hardly befitting a proud captain of the Gotei Thirteen: his head bowed, shoulders slumped, and his eyes were lined with a heaviness that dulled the youth from his features. Each step was hindered by the fresh wound in his stomach, which was dressed by a long white bandage wrapped about his abdomen. It was in his purposeful gait that the pride lingered still; though there was a stab of pain with each movement, Masaru walked strong. His face was vacant of expression. He had surrendered to the mechanisms of his troubled mind hours before, and he had not emerged from it since.

He was not good with conversation. Not anymore. Ten years ago this journey may have been different, but now it was nothing more than a spear in his side. What did Arashi want from him anyways? Everyone had secrets... Masaru never poked around in other people's private lives.... so why the hell did Arashi think Masaru would just spill all his troubles to him? That wasn't his style, that wasn't who he was. Masaru didn't have... troubles. He never did. He didn't have to do this...

Then what are you doing here, if this is such a waste of time?

Masaru gritted his teeth, raising his gaze to the doorway of Arashi's office, which was looming painfully in the distance. How annoying it was.

He brought his hands out from his pockets to fold his arms across his chest. His posture straightened immensely, and he couldn't help but feel somewhat empowered by this new stance, which in turn cleared his head some. What did he have to be upset about? Nothing.

Before he knew it, he was in Arashi's doorway, and he peered in with his harsh gaze, hazel gems burning in their disenchantment. He spoke not a word. What could he say? He entered. If it were any other office, he would have felt intrusive, but it was Arashi, and his mood was not the best. His arms never left his chest as he stood there, waiting in his infinite silence, for Arashi to initiate a conversation. What unfortunate circumstances for a visit.

[Firechild]

Why must life be so painful for Masaru... This thought had crossed through Arashi's mind several times, but none of those times were more pronounced then this time. As he observed the figure of his friend in the doorway of his office, the Captain of the Seventh Division gazed upon him impassively. "Well...What's troubling you Masaru? You've been acting quite differently then you used to...What has happened to the old Masaru? The one that I grew to know as my greatest friend within Seireite..." The words released from his lips with concern etched into their very essence. Arashi was truly looking for Masaru's best interest.

"It's not good to keep such harsh troubles to yourself. You can hurt yourself emotionally as well as physically...You have a gaping wound in your stomach, what have you been doing to get yourself impaled like that? This isn't the first time I've seen that mark. I just can't ignore your pain any longer Masaru-san..." Arashi's words fell into an unusual softness not befitting the battle loving Shinigami.

Arashi stood up and walked to a nearby counter-top, he poured a couple of drinks and set them on the table near a pair of chairs, and sat down in one taking one of the crystal glasses in hand. The Captain of Division 7 motioned for his fellow Captain to sit.

[Harmony]

The hawk-like quality of his eyes subdued some as he listened, allowing Arashi's concerns to penetrate him. All too often words of encouragement or worry broke upon him like waves upon a wall, leaving him unaffected. Weary-eyed and heavy was the man that entered Arashis office, though he remained silent as ever, his lips pressed stubbornly together in pride. It was the only thing he had left... that's how it felt. The only thing left for him was his pride, and he clung to it like an eagle to its nest. He allowed his hands to drop to his side as he took his first steps, his eyebrows drawing together in thought. He was breaking down. He had been a lonely statue for far too long. He bore his defeat heavily on his own two shoulders, and he could feel it weighing him down slowly over time. His strength was diminishing.

His gaze flicked up briefly at the sound of Arashi pouring the two glasses and he followed his friend to the table, taking his own seat before pulling his glass towards him. He stared down at the liquid, his eyes going blank as he allowed himself to be lost in the crystal. He refused to return Arashi's gaze.

Quietly Masaru spoke, his voice heavy in both purpose and burdens, his gaze still lost in the ripples of his drink. He was careful with his words, and therefore spoke uncharacteristically slow, his voice lacking the gruff tone it usually bore.

"My past is resurfacing..."

He smiled painfully, his lips quivering a little as he fumbled for an explanation,

"This is sort of hard for me." He swallowed audibly, his smile fading. His eyes dimmed in their sorrow, lit only by the soft glisten of the glass mirrored in them, "Hiketsu..." His free hand balled into a fist as he uttered the name of his Zanpakutou. He could hardly believe the words he felt surfacing on his lips, soon to be released into the open air...the confession, "Hiketsu refuses to talk to me."

He remained silent for what seemed like an eternity, allowing the words to soak into the world, words that were never meant to be vocalized. They belonged only in his heart, that tight chamber occupied only by his memories and secrets. No one was ever allowed there anymore.

The pain... the vulnerability... was apparent on his face. Hiketsu... his Hiketsu... had abandoned him. No longer did her purring voice guide him. He was empty. He was hardly a shinigami, hardly complete without her. Arashi must understand this...he had to... he had to understand how heavily that weighed on him.

Masaru looked up for the first time, his eyes seeking Arashi's. He was searching frantically for words of affirmation... understanding... anything. He trusted Arashi more than any other person in the gotei thirteen, only he could carry this secret with him. Not even Kazuma, the Commander General, knew.

"She-" Masaru choked on his words, "She's just gone."

She really was too. She never said good bye, never warned him... she just vanished one awful day, leaving Masaru to call out to her in horror, and never once did she answer.

His gaze then fell to his abdomen, the hairs on the back of his neck beginning to stand on end. This was what Arashi really wanted to know, what everyone wanted to know. Very few learned of this other secret, most on accident. Kazuma knew... Atsue knew...

Now it was Arashi's turn, and Masaru found with surprise that he was not afraid to share this with him. It was easier each time to show people. With the knowledge that this, his activation was no longer a true secret, Masaru breathed easier, he could speak clearer. He deserves to know.

Still trembling from his first revelation, Masaru spoke, "This," Masaru put a hand to his wound, "Will never stop so long as I hold the power of the shinigami... It is the burden of holding Hiketsu, The Key." Truly, that is what her name meant... her true purpose. She was the key that unlocked the power within him, and it had to be unlocked physically. It was she that had to penetrate him.

"Around fifteen years ago, a scar appeared here. I'm sure you remember... I was still a lieutenant then, and since then it has continued to reopen..." fifteen years ago? Masaru shook his head a little with the thought. How young he was for a captain... it was humbling really, to think about. "I said it was just an old complaint, an old wound that would break back open every time I pushed myself too hard. " His face grew grim and he leaned forward, his head bowing, "It's the activation of my Bankai."

So softly were these final words uttered that Masaru himself strained to hear.

"I lied."

He felt his jaw clenching as guilt began to clutch at his throat as it often did. Guilt was what fueled him; it was guilt that made him strong. But here, now, Masaru felt it dissolving what was once a constant fortitude.

"I'm sorry for never telling you."

[Firechild]

Arashi listened with a sharp intensity that only a true friend would have, listening to someone pour their secrets into the air. Like the cold liquid Arashi had poured into the crystal cups. "My past is resurfacing..." Masaru spoke quietly, a painful smile stretched his lips. "This is sort of hard for me..." The sixth division captain swallowed, the pained smile fading into a grim line across his face. His eyes lowered, losing any spark that was once there.

"Hiketsu..." Masaru's hand clenched into a fist. Arashi cocked an eyebrow at this, it was the first time he had heard Masaru speak his Zanpakuto's name in a long while. "Hiketsu refuses to talk to me..." The pain was more then apparent on his battle-hardened face. Arashi sat there in pure shock. Why would she do that? Arashi asked himself, but was interrupted by his own Zanpakuto spirit.

I know not why Hiketsu would leave Masaru...But know this Arashi...Do not leave him as well. If you do, all will be lost for him. Hissorihime's voice echoed throughout Arashi's mind. He bowed his head looking down at the glass in his hands, the shimmering liquid seemed to enhance the feelings of pain that Arashi was feeling for his friend.

"She..." Arashi looked up, meeting his friends searching gaze. "She's just gone..." His voice was choked, it sounded like this was the first time he spoke these words into the air. Knowing Masaru...it probably was. He dropped his gaze, looking down at the covered wound on his stomach. Placing a hand over it, he spoke again. "This...will never stop as long as I hold the power of a Shinigami. It is the burden of holding Hiketsu...The Key." Arashi arched both his eyebrow's in surprise.

"It was around fifteen years ago, a scar appeared here...I'm sure you remember. I was still a Lieutenant then, and since then it has continued to reopen. I said it was just an old complaint, an old wound that would break back open every time I pushed myself too hard." Masaru's face grew grim and he leaned forward, his head bowing, "It's the activation of my Bankai."

These final words were spoken so softly, that Arashi was sure that even the most keen ears couldn't catch them unless they were right next to Masaru as Arashi was. "I lied." Masaru's eyes lowered even further, guilt spread across his features like paint. "I'm sorry for never telling you."

It took some time before Arashi finally answered, his voice was hoarse, as if it were him that had been choking up instead of Masaru. "Fifteen years ago? All this time...You've been alone..." Arashi's gaze fell, he was dissapointed in himself. "I'm sorry Masaru...I should have seen the pain you were going through...I didn't realize...All those times..."

The captain of the Seventh Division's mind cast back to times when the two would spar, never going farther then Shikai. He now realized that Masaru refused to let anyone see him while he trained with his bankai. He hadn't noticed before...

"Masaru..." Arashi couldn't think of anything more to say. He poured as much comfort as he could into that single word. Trying to show Masaru how much he truly cared.

[Harmony]

"Fifteen years ago? All this time...You've been alone...I'm sorry Masaru...I should have seen the pain you were going through...I didn't realize...All those times..."

Masaru looked up, disbelief etched across his face. His shoulders slumped. Arashi... understood. His breath halted in his throat as his gaze once more fell to the table.
He remained motionless as Arashi spoke once more, speaking only his name. He could hear it though. He could hear the consideration in Arashi's voice, and admittedly, it hurt as much as it helped. It hurt to hear him talk like that. Masaru knew that today was hard on both of them. Arashi was acting very unlike himself... very sincere, very calm. To know that Arashi cared enough to listen with such genuine sincerity was enough for Masaru to see just how important their bond was to him. Another pang of guilt hit him like a wave and he gritted his teeth with the realization that he had taken it all for granted.

It was he, not Arashi, that had been foolish. He wanted to say that. He wanted to say that Arashi had nothing to be sorry for, but he couldn't bring himself to utter such words. It seemed almost insulting to say 'It's not your fault for not knowing.' Of course it wasn't Arashi's fault, but Masaru couldn't address that right now. He just couldn't. ”Kazuma and I are both afraid of allowing too many people to find out. The others may raise an issue of morality;” Masaru's words tumbled out of him suddenly, a changed subject, a spontaneous phrase... they felt not his own, but he was comforted in the knowledge that he still had things to say. This was his way of showing Arashi that he had nothing to be sorry for. This was his way of telling him, “they may feel it is too much a hazard of my own physical health to allow me to keep my position. Kazuma himself doesn't really know the extent of-” Masaru stopped himself, afraid of frightening Arashi. He didn't need to know that much... he didn't need to know that it wasn't just a sword thrust into his stomach. He didn't need to know about the gallons of acid following, the gallons of acid that scorched through his body during activation. He kept it a secret from even Kazuma, who was already uneasy with Masaru's position, who was already startlingly close to forbidding Masaru the use of his Bankai at all. Masaru remembered suddenly the way Minoru and Arashi reacted to his wound. That's how it would be if others found out the truth. “Another concern...” began Masaru, “is that others may feel my judgement is flawed. If I hesitate to use Bankai in a dangerous situation -due to the pain- then I've become a burden to Soul Society.” He looked up at Arashi, his expression grim, “Please don't tell anyone.”

Masaru was almost certain Arashi would keep his secret safe. He wasn't afraid of discovery now... Arashi's original sentiments were very comforting to hear... there was sympathy in his friend's words. Surly he could trust him. Surly his position was still secure.

“That's why I never told you, Arashi... I couldn't risk it. I should have known better.”

He let out a long sigh, as though he hadn't breathed upon entering Arashi's office. He allowed himself to sink back into his chair, his head rolling back until he was looking up at the ceiling. It felt so good... it felt so good to finally share with someone these things he had held guarded all this time. Most of all, it felt good to be understood. He had carried it all this time. For fifteen years his secret was confined to his heart, where it could fester and grow. It suffocated him some days. It really did. The fear of sharing his secret transformed into a fear of sharing anything, a fear of being misunderstood. How liberating today was. How good it felt to not be alone.

[Firechild]

Masaru changed the subject subtelty, yet suddenly. "Kazuma and I are both afraid of allowing too many people to find out. The others may raise an issue of morality; they may feel it is too much a hazard of my own physical health to allow me to keep my position. Kazuma himself doesn't really know the extent of-” Masaru suddenly stopped, a severe hesitancy about him. “Another concern...” Masaru began again, “is that others may feel my judgement is flawed. If I hesitate to use Bankai in a dangerous situation -due to the pain- then I've become a burden to Soul Society.” Masaru glanced up, searching for Arashi with a grim expression. “Please don't tell anyone.” Masaru let out a long drawn out sigh, relief obvious in his worn features. “That's why I never told you, Arashi... I couldn't risk it. I should have known better.”


Arashi took a few minutes to contemplate his words. The secrets that Masaru was spilling to him...the secrets that only a choice few knew. "I won't..." He responded softly. "Not even if the Espada Royale were to torment me for the information." Arashi's expression turned serious. "But Masaru...you're hiding something...Most people wouldn't realise it, but then again I'm not most people am I?" Arashi had a sort of grim smile adorning his lips. "Don't make me beat it out of you, again..." The young captain smirked humourlessly. His expression turned hard, and soft at the same time. Arashi knew that Masaru's last secret was something that scared the 6th Division Captain very much. That was obvious. "Please...I want to help you Masaru, you know that. Please let me share the burden that weighs so heavily upon you."

Arashi got up from his chair, and drew Hissorihime. "Have I ever told you..." The Young Captain began a slow pace back and forth in front of Masaru. The soft rythmn of the bottom of his feet hitting the carpeted floor of the office filled the still air. "Of my old Captain?" He let the words hang in the air for a brief moment, before continuing. "Like yours...he ended up being tortured by an inner Hollow. He went mad, and ended up slaughtering my entire squad because of it. Eventually...he was able to come to his senses, even if it was for a brief time. To avoid causing anymore damage and pain then he already had, he impaled his heart onto his own blade. Silencing him...forever." Arashi's eyes welled with a single tear that slid down his cheek. How he missed his Captain, the one man that understood him more then even Masaru. His eyes were downcast. Masaru had to understand why he pushed so hard for his inner secrets.

Arashi stopped pacing, staring at the floor between his feet. He took a deep breath. "He never shared any of his burden with anyone," the 7th Division Captain continued. "and this ultimately destroyed him. I was the only one that was able to survive his onslaught, but only because I had not tried and helped him. I was scared...So I hid within the Squad 4 barracks, their Captain was kind to me and let me stay. By the time it was over, I had deep regrets. I didn't try to help my Captain, I just let the events fold out. I won't let that happen again." Arashi's eyes were transfixed onto Masaru's, his piercing gaze seeming to look into Masaru's very essence. "I ask you again...please share your burden...no...I beg of you to share your burden..." Arashi dropped to his knees in front of his friend. His eyes searching for the troubles that Masaru had been experiencing for the past decade.

[GoldenKitten]

Moved to Dead RP's.