Help would be great

[schitzo7830]

Hey guys and gals. I waswondering if you could give me any idea's on how to become a better writer. Hre is he begginingof a piece ive been working on.


The only sound in the classroom was the noise being emmitted from the back of the room. A low obnoxious snore coming from a lone table towards the back of the room. The only student sitting at the table was sound asleep...Kinda. The kid's head was face down in his arms. A black hood drooped down over his face so only his lips and the lower part of his face were showing. His skin was a very pale white and his lips were smooth with a pinkish hue to him. All seemed to be peaceful with him other than the noise he was emmitting.
Across the room beamed a bright shinning globe of light, which flared over the boys hood. Only to be blotted out by a shadow from someone standing over him.

"Excuse me Mr.Miles for not making this class entertaine you. But if your going to attend this class you are going to pay attention." A older males voice beamed down at the boy. "Mr. Miles....Are you awake?" The man reached down and shook the kids arm. Nothing happened for a few seconds then the boy shuttered sligtly and growned. The proffeser picked up a small pile of books that resided next to the sleeping boy. There were whispers that erupted from kids talking behind the teacher wondering wether the man was going to hit the kid or throw his books or...The proffeser slammed the books on the table a few inches from the boys head, Causing the kid to jolt up in such a quick manner that it made his chair tip backward. The kid caught the side of the table to steady the chair before tumbling backwards and breaking his skull open. The class erupted in laughter but only until the proffesor raised his arm and, with a flick of his wrist silenced the class. The class was quiet or at least... mostly quiet. The black haired boy began to laugh.... "Excuse me Proffesor but, Maybe i wouldnt mind paying attention if this class wasnt so fucking boring."


Third day of school and Cal already was in In School Suspension. the boy laughed at the thought. 'What made this place so damn important anyway? A bunch or assholes boxed up in a building that has to watch some kids all day'. Cal went to an all boys school. One of the best in the country. Sadly... it was full of rich snobs and wanna be gangsters. Cal came from an inner city school. The only reason he was able to attend this school was becasue of his uncle. He had been staying with his uncle ever since his parents died. A car crash on a highway. The police said it happened so fast they wouldnt have felt a thing. Cal knew better. No one burns to death happily.... or slowly.


Cal opened the door the the office. Same paper smell, Same office lady's, Same god damn everything. Given Cal's inner city school behaivor he was frequintly in the office, However given his uncle's bank account and connections, He never ended up getting suspended. Hell Cal had barely spent a day in detention. It wasnt like he was a bad kid, just troubled.

[Galihan]

Well first off, I'd like to evaluate this piece by piece to see where you can improve since being helpful is about all the benefits that come with my position. Spending whole semester with a writing class, I can help you out here since I've spent lots of time learning how to improve my writing.

Before we go any further, lets start with a spell check. Even before the main writing piece, I see typos in the introduction saying you want help improving, so fix those up and lets move onto the actual writing piece. There are multiple spelling errors throughout, including multiple different misspellings of "professor". Some of these I can imagine might be problematic every once in a while, but too many typos clumped together can be painful to read, especially depending on who is evaluating this writing piece. Now grammatically, we can use some revision. Most of these sentences are very short and make the entire story very choppy to read. Try using commas instead of periods to connect ideas so they have more flow. Abrupt, short sentences do work sometimes, but not in this context.

The setting is supposed to tedious and tiresome from Cal's perspective, so we'd expect sentences to drag on and on, finding as many uninteresting things to focus on to emphasize his boredom. When the teacher confronts him, then you use short, jerky sentences because lots of stuff can be happening all together where you can't pay attention to it all if it were happening in real life. As a writer, you want the reader to feel what the characters are feeling so we can get a sense of the location and what's happening around the character.

[chanchan05]

A mod from another forum had a very short advice he always gave in these kinds of threads....ADD FLUFF!!! Fluff meaning various descriptive sentences that gave more texture and feel to the environment you are creating...Talk about the sunlight entering through the windows, was it a golden afternoon? A stormy evening? Just add more fluff....right after you fix your spelling and a little grammar...

[Blitzen]

An easy thing to do, which will not only increase the quality of your writing, but help you avoid common errors and typos is just reading over things before posting. Say you just finished writing a large mass of text, read it to yourself several times and you'll find yourself changing lots of stuff and this will bring an instant improvement.